i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
