:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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