I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
