it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
where are my eyebrows?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
