fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
