So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
