Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
