At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize