Pregnant stripper...not hot.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
