Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
