Already got asked if we're dating
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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