i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
