I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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