sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
