The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
