Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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