i need an iv and a liver transplant
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm passing your future prison.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
