So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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