I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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