yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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