put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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