I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
