I got chris browned last night
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
