you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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