I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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