I wish I could teleport
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
