I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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