Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
