I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
