dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
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he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
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You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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