he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
