while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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