those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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