She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
