next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
