A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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