I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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