My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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