Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
