my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
