his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
