I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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