I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
