I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
