Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
