Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
