I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
