The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
