Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So many bounce houses so little time
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
