It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
