Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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