And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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