I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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