oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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