Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
