my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
