Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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