She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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