6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
