I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
