If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
