He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
