I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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